Ten Things to do After a Breakup that AREN’T a Haircut

Graphic by Sabrina Eicher.

So you’ve been dumped. Or maybe you were the dumper. Maybe no one was dumped because it was a “mutual breakup” (if you believe in that sort of thing). Or maybe it wasn’t even technically a breakup, things kind of just…fizzled. 

In any case, you were attached to someone and now you aren’t. Maybe you’re relieved, or perhaps disappointed but gracefully accepting. Or maybe your heart is shattered into a million pieces on the floor, and you’re desperately searching for a vacuum. (The latter is the category I usually end up in. Shout out to my fellow romantics who fall too fast and take a while to get back up — we’re stronger for the struggle).

Regardless if you are happy or heartbroken, things have changed. There’s been a major earthquake and the tectonic plates of your emotional life are splitting at the fault lines. 

But while your insides morph from Pangaea to Gondwanaland (that’s the supercontinent that came after Pangaea — I looked it up so you don’t have to), things might look the same to the rest of the world. The urge to mirror your turbulent emotions in your external appearance is more than natural. 

The cliche about post-breakup haircuts persists because it speaks to something very true about human reactions to change. A new ‘do can signal the turning of a page, the decisive beginning of a new chapter. Mark the dawn of your era of discovery and self-exploration. The adjustment can be wildly helpful in catalyzing the emotional recovery process. 

But what if you….like your current haircut?

The last time I had a breakup, I craved a new look like water and Tylenol the morning after a rough night out. I wanted to show the world (and myself) that things were different and that was okay. With a fresh look, I could usher in the endlessly imaginable experiences that awaited me back in the single world. 

But, if I do say so myself, I already had a great haircut. A revolutionary salon visit a few months before had transformed my hair from a side-parted bob to a banged and layered baby-shag. I might’ve been down in the dumps, but I was in the haircut prime of my life. 

Nevertheless, the need for change lingered. So I had to get creative with my silly little post-breakup makeover. If you find yourself in this situation, here are ten things you can do instead of messing with your gorgeous, gorgeous locks. 

What’s that smell?

Has anyone else heard the trick about spraying your perfume into your ex’s hoodies before returning them? I suggest that after you do that, set that scent aside for a while. Choose a new go-to perfume. Each time you spritz your new fragrance you’ll be reminded that you are single and free and just as lovely as ever. 

Put a (cute) pin in it

Something about punching a tiny hole in your body and attaching a piece of metal to it is deeply revitalizing. Piercings are removable, so if you hate it you can always take it out (but keep in mind that scarring is possible). And don’t forget that your ears aren’t the only option for piercings. The human body has a lot of real estate — use your imagination. Personally, I plan to use my next heartbreak as an excuse to finally get an eyebrow piercing (sorry, Mom). 

You glow girl 

Hey, if you aren’t getting kisses from your partner anymore, might as well get some from the sun. A tan is a great way to trick the rest of the world into thinking that you’re okay — nothing says healthy and thriving like a little glow. Add body glitter for an extra blinding dazzle. I try to be responsible about aging (sigh), so I advocate for artificial tan from a salon or a bottle. Just make sure you shed all your tears before application — you don’t want streaks in your spray tan. 

Get inky with it 

Okay, stay with me on this one. Occasions of emotional distress are NOT the time for rash, permanent decisions. But almost everyone I know has at least one tattoo idea they’ve thought about for a long time. Maybe this is the time to finally splurge on the ink of your dreams – you deserve it. 

Secure the bag 

Your favorite bag: always by your side and ready to carry your baggage — unlike your ex. Jokes aside, many of us have a bag that we use so often it’s basically become part of our personality. Imagine how changed you’ll feel with a fabulous new backpack or tote. You’ll also get a healthy dose of retail therapy along the way. 

“New” phone, who dis?

You know that new phone feeling? When the glass is clean and all the basic settings are on? In my experience, this bliss is easily replicated with a few small alterations that are much less expensive than a trip to the Apple store. Buy a new case, pick a new background, switch up your app layout: anything that will make your phone look different. You can even go crazy with all the widgets and color coordination if that’s your thing. With a phone that looks totally new, chances are that you won’t be so worried about the texts you may (or may not) be receiving from certain individuals…

What’s better than IRL plastic surgery?

Give your bitmoji a makeover. Yes, this is a superficial and inconsequential change, but it might make a bigger difference in your daily Snapchatting than you expect. Plus, so much of our lives take place online these days that things like tangibility aren’t really that important anymore. And, just imagine how many hotties you’ll scoop up with a hot new bitmoji. 

Nail in the coffin (of your relationship)

Nothing can make you feel as instantly put together as freshly lacquered nails. I used to be a short, chipped-polish nails kind of girl. After my last breakup, I got my first acrylic set and I’ve been riding the manicure train ever since. If you’re a student, check nearby salons for a discount. Treat yourself to a languid hour or two in a salon chair. A bonus: you can dish about your breakup with the nail technician. 

Fling some new bling

Raise your hand if you have a few jewelry staples that you wear every single day. Shaking up your bling is a very simple but effective change. Snag that necklace or those earrings that have been in your cart for months. And, if you want to spark a little jealousy, consider heart-shaped jewelry. Chances are your ex will suspect that it was a gift from someone else, perhaps a new love interest…

Rebrand, rebrand, rebrand

Time to scrub those accounts! After all, your social media is your face to the world. It might be hard to let go of sentimental photos with your ex, so feel free to take baby steps. Maybe remove their tag, erase the caption, archive the post: anything that moves you closer to pressing that delete button. Otherwise, social media offers endless ways to express your identity. If the prospect of creating a totally new online persona is as daunting to you as it is to me, a good place to start is with a new profile photo. From there, you can move on to flaunting some of these fabulous new changes you’re making for yourself. 

No matter what you do, the most important thing is to remember that you are not alone. We’ve all been through breakups — big and small. And if I can make it out to the other side, so can you.