This is Your Brain on Moon Juice
If you haven’t heard of Amanda Chantal Bacon, allow us to explain: she’s the owner of Moon Juice who got in a feud with Father John Misty after he claimed to have stolen her crystals. Is there anything better than a minor celeb tiff? We think not. Bacon’s Moon Juice has taken on the Instagram and LA-osphere with the “botanical blends” that promise, among many other things, to calm down your thyroid, boost your metabolism, and, most vaguely, “promote joy.” Their story on their website reads as follows: “Moon Juice represents a holistic lifestyle that goes far beyond juices, milks, and snacks. It’s a healing force, an etheric potion, a cosmic beacon for those seeking out beauty, wellness and longevity.” As two college girls very much looking for some healing force and to lower our stress levels, we decided to split the sampler pack (healing forces are expensive) and try them for a week.
Meet the editors:
Sarah Spellings: I’m always very curious about health fads, but rarely find that any of them work. I’ve done juice cleanses, drink lemon water with cayenne in the morning if I’m feeling healthy, and practice yoga often. In high school, I got low key addicted to something called “Brain TonIQ,” which was sparkling water with Ginkgo Biloba that I was convinced made me smarter. Most days, though, I’m drinking a diet coke, doing menial back stretches at my desk and asking my roommates to order Cheesies.
Rachel Lefferts: As a self-proclaimed health nut, I have no shame in saying that I was excited to try Moon Dust. I eat an avocado or more per day, spend an inordinate amount of time at Whole Foods and Pure Barre, haven’t touched a piece of meat since I was thirteen and wear my “Kale” t-shirt on a weekly basis. Given the impressive list of health benefits promised by Moon Dusts, it only seemed right to try them out. A word of warning: I tend to really love the taste of healthy, weird things that most people hate (think Brussels sprouts, beets and green vegan protein powders), so keep that in mind when reading my reviews.
Beauty Dust
SS: This was the first one I tried. I mixed it in my morning Earl Grey with milk and sugar (yes, both, come at me) and almost gagged. Here is a photo of me drinking my tea. I did it while doing my “Get Ready With Me” for the STITCH Instagram in the hopes it would make me look prettier. Once I finished choking down my concoction in class, I was disappointed that nobody complimented me on my supple skin, lustrous shiny hair and twinkling bright eyes that the Beauty Dust promised. Maybe it’s because they were too busy wondering why I was looking so ardently disgusted with my tea.
RL: I sprinkled the beauty dust into a glass of almond milk-- already a staple in my diet-- and was pleasantly surprised by the sweet and honestly delightful flavor. I drank it on the day of my sorority composite photos with the hope that it would expand my “beauty, luster and glow from within.” Though I can’t say I noticed any drastic changes in my appearance, the thought that I may have been just a little bit more radiant was enough consolation to convince me to try it out long-term. This was by far my favorite dust.
Verdict: 2/5 Crystals
Brain Dust
SS: This is the one I was hoping would work the most. Northwestern students, I wish I could say that this one worked. The sachet says that you can add it to hot or cold teas, nut milks, or water, but I highly don’t recommend doing it with water. Again, I had to essentially choke it down. I was studying for a midterm and tried to use Brain Dust instead of caffeine. It worked less well than coffee and caffeine pills, but BETTER than my beloved Diet Coke. A small win for Moon Juice.
RL: Post-abroad, my motivation and alertness levels are lower than ever-- and my stress levels higher-- so the promise of Brain Dust really appealed to me. Before my first daring venture to the library since getting back to campus, I chugged this elixir in my almond milk, hoping that the “mighty cosmic flow needed for great achievement” would rush over me by the time I arrived at my cubicle in Periodicals. Though it’s hard to know for certain whether it was a result of the Brain Dust or the infectious work ethics (read: judgmental glances) of my peers, I can say that I had a very productive library session. Note: this one is by far the nastiest tasting Moon Dust.
Verdict: 3/5 Crystals
Dream Dust
SS: This is when I started to get my Moon Juice groove on. I took the sachet’s advice and mixed it in with some almond milk (it specified nut milk so I don’t know if regular ole cow’s milk would work tbh) and passed. TF. out. Normally I have to take a melatonin to sleep but I fell straight into a deep sleep where I can only assume all of my dreams were of soothing vegan dinners with Amanda Chantal Bacon.
RL: After over a week of getting about six hours of sleep, I would’ve done just about anything to get one good night of rest. I’m not one for sleeping pills and haven’t found melatonin to be particularly effective, so I was curious to see if the Dream Dust would do the trick. Again, I poured the dust into unsweetened vanilla almond milk about a half hour before going to sleep. I even popped in a melatonin with the hopes of maximizing the effects. To my dismay, I woke up to my blaring phone alarm feeling wholly unrested. With that said, I drank a lot of caffeine the night before, which could have easily offset the potency of the dust.
Verdict: 3/5 Crystals
Power Dust
SS: This is the most chuggable Moon Juice. I put it in an iced coffee (with cow’s milk! It works!!) and could have been convinced that it was just a normal iced coffee. Again, I used this as a study aid, even though the description seems to cater more to physical ability and People Who Go To The Gymⓒ. I think it worked, but again, this was one that I really wanted to work and I was really excited that it tasted normal.
RL: Given how quickly I drank this one pre-Pure Barre, I can’t say I remember how it tasted, so you’ll have to take Sarah’s word for it. Combined with my daily 30 ounces of black dark roast coffee, I can definitely say that I felt really energized throughout my workout.
Verdict: 5/5 Crystals
Sex Dust
SS: All I will say is, I’ve never felt less sexy in my going out clothes than when I was drinking an Earl Grey with milk and Moon Juice mixed in.
RL: I agree wholeheartedly with Sarah on this one. There’s something about drinking a blend of “Ho Shou Wu, Organic Cacao, Shilajit, Maca, Organic Schinsandra, Cistanche, Epimedium, Organic Stevia”-- mixed in almond milk, of course-- that feels entirely un-sexy, especially pre- pregame. Maybe I should’ve taken the advice on the label and gone for a double dose?
Verdict: -1/5 Crystals
Spirit Dust
SS: I think in order for anything that involves some mental/spiritual connection, a clear goal is necessary. Despite my 7 year yoga practice, I wasn't sure what Spirit Dust was selling to me. Ergo, no crystals.
RL: Even though I was pretty optimistic about the other dusts, I’ll admit to being pretty skeptical about an herbal supplement that promises to “help you unwind, expand peaceful awareness and align with bliss.” I do, however, believe in the power of positive thinking, and if this dust makes you feel more “spirited” (whatever that means), then I would recommend it.
Verdict: 2/5 Crystals