Zoom Makeup is Worth Every Penny — Only Because it’s Free

If you’re like me and a 9 a.m. class means waking up at 8:59 and frantically opening Zoom, you probably also roll up looking only half alive. Who cares, right? This is a pandemic and most of us are taking classes from bed anyway.

But often, as my two-hour class drags on and my attention starts to drift towards Twitter, I need something to keep my mind on virtual learning.

Lucky for those of us who spend half of class time looking at our own square anyway, Zoom has released a series of beta filters (read: virtual makeup line) perfect for entertaining the most self-absorbed of us (read: me).

So of course, I had to ask my editors if I could do a review of Zoom’s studio effects. For the people, obviously.

Meet the model

Picking a model for this arduous task wasn’t easy, and I had to look far and wide for someone with the right talents for the job. Who better than me –– someone with no modeling experience whatsoever and a severe lack of technological competence bordering on Boomer level.

Unfortunately, COVID-19 limited my options to one, but fortunately, I do have a habit of never wearing makeup, so my face was the perfect blank canvas.

Eyebrows

The first effect I had to try was eyebrows. With 7 different shapes to choose from, you can have anything from Cara Delevigne’s godly brows to Marilyn Monroe’s high arch. Longtime jealousy of Delevigne’s luscious caterpillars pointed me first to the “Soft Arch,” opacity on high.

Yet even with the darkest color preset, Zoom’s eyebrow filter was still slightly too light for my dark brown hair. Just like pretty much every other makeup brand I’ve ever tried, Zoom fails to make an eyebrow filler realistic enough for me to put on.

Rating: 7/10.

Because the platform gave me unlimited color options, I decided next to go completely in the opposite direction: platinum blonde. I was enjoying getting to experience the quarantine bleached hair trend until I realized that I looked like an off-brand Oompa Loompa. Suffice to say, I will not be bleaching my brows anytime soon.

I guess I don’t get to have more fun if only my eyebrows are blonde.

Rating: 3/10.

Overall thoughts: the eyebrow effects didn’t work well on me, but that doesn’t mean they won’t on you. Mess with the opacity and color enough and you could easily fool your class into thinking you paid a premium for microblading. It’ll be our little secret. ;)

Lips

After the Oompa Loompa Incident (and honestly some lingering unease from the 2015 Kylie Jenner lip challenge), I wanted to start in a more authentic-looking direction for the lip filters. Again, Zoom offers unlimited color choices, but I chose the preset color “Rouge” on a low opacity.

I can’t say I have any complaints about this one. Honestly, I was kind of feeling myself.

Rating: 9/10.

Ok I know I just said I was going for realistic, but I had to at least try another color. I went for baby blue hoping to give off Euphoria vibes, but instead I looked like Kesha at Casio’s Shock the World 2010 red carpet event. A fun touch, but also toeing the line between purposeful and “did she just eat a blue raspberry snow cone?”

Alas, I don’t think I’m brave enough for blue to become my shade of choice anytime soon –– what can I say, We R Who We R. But props to Zoom for the fun color choices; I felt like a celebrity.

Rating: 6/10 (I gave it an extra point because I’m feeling nostalgic).

Overall thoughts: Neither extremely impressed or extremely unimpressed. I would wear a low opacity, red-colored filter if I really needed that little bit of zhoosh, but I doubt I’ll show up to my morning Spanish class with neon lips.

touch-up

I was a little nervous to try the touch-up feature because I thought I might get a little too attached to my face without flaws. Fortunately, I did not get attached at all. I’m sure Zoom had many nice computer scientists work on this effect, but it was ultimately a let down.

Anyone with any social media savvy would recognize the tacky background-blurring and blemish-wiping of this filter in an instant. Also, why do I still have dark circles? If I’m going to allow my face to look like it morphed with a Barbie, I had better look like I got a full 10 hours.

Rating: 3/10.

Overall thoughts: My face says it all. You’re better off with a basic snapchat filter –– the dog or the baby would be more believable than Zoom’s touch-up feature.

just for fun

Reminiscent of Apple’s Photo Booth with an upgrade, Zoom’s virtual backgrounds pair nicely with the beta face effects. After seeing the “Horseshoe” facial hair filter, I knew exactly what part I wanted to play: Billy Ray Cyrus on the beach set of Hannah Montana.

I had a vision, but it wasn’t easy to create –– the man does not smile in pictures. Also, the preset color of the mustache wasn't dark enough again! Get it together Zoom!

Nevertheless, I had fun. This might not be the filter to impress your Zoom crush (maybe it is, I don’t know your life), but it sure is entertaining.

Rating: 7/10.

Next, I had to try the black-and-white filter because, why not, might as well relive Instagram circa 2010. I considered a few old-timey movie stars to imitate with the filter, but I ultimately decided to put to the test the unwarranted Audrey Hepburn comparisons I received as a child.

Adding the “Sharp Eyebrow” effect to more closely resemble queen Audrey, I (unsuccessfully) tried to mimic the soft doe-eyed smile she perfected. Though the eyebrows turned out better in black and white, the filter itself wasn’t high contrast enough and I ended up looking more like I belonged in “The Wizard of Oz” than “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Unfortunately, I think that means I can finally put to rest all Audrey Hepburn comparisons and turn down the many production studios begging me to star in her biopic.

Rating: 4/10 for the blow to my confidence alone.

Overall thoughts: If you’re a theatre major, this is probably a feature worth testing out. It might not be the best product for the everyday look, but I have to give it to Zoom: a tropical backdrop or colored filter is something no other makeup company can provide.

in conclusion

If Zoom wants to break into the makeup realm (which I expect it doesn’t) I have a few tips from my high perch in the fashion world. Add a broader range of color presets, design more realistic eyebrow effects and start over on the touch-up feature. It’s that simple.

For those of you wondering if the Zoom palette (patent pending) is worth a try, I vote a cautious yes. It definitely has its quirks, but it's free with the app –– and nothing beats a freebie.