Last Word: My Wings Change Color
I was a caterpillar.
Brought up in a house with three brothers, I constantly emulated them in the hope of belonging. I played cricket with them, wrestled with them and even dressed like them — proudly sporting a bob, basic khakis that reached my knees and a baggy tee. But I was naïve to think that imitating their outfits made me one of them. Though I am grateful for all that I have, sometimes it is hard to find myself.
I began my metamorphosis with insecurity. When high school hit, I didn't know where I belonged— back home with my brothers on the cricket pitch or in school with my preppy and pampered peers? I ditched the bob for longer hair and headbands, and replaced my khakis with jeans. Soon, my tomboy outfits were expelled, making room for five identical pairs of Zara jeggings. At the time, I thought black jeggings and loose t-shirts would conceal me, masking any insecurities I had. But, in reality, I felt like I was suffocating by always hiding myself. I shielded my real personality with unremarkable, blendable clothing. However, without this experience, I wouldn’t have found who I really am.
“I hold the power to satisfy my own need for acceptance. The only person who I really needed to accept me was me.”
As high school progressed, I added layers of silk to my cocoon. In self-discovery, I was building confidence; the cricket pitch was never for me. Instead, I found my place in front of an easel and a palette full of paint. Painting gave me the outlet and self-expression I needed and ditching the khakis made room for a whole other me. As I emerged into a delicate butterfly, I began to love myself. I began to see myself clearer through my style and found that the clothing I was wearing wasn’t creative enough for me. I explored printed pants ranging from leopard to aztec (what I now consider as a complete fashion faux pas) and realized that I hold the power to satisfy my own need for acceptance. The only person who I really needed to accept me was me.
People have often told me that my lips are my boldest feature However, they were also the source of many of my insecurities. Some little girls might sneak into their mother’s dresser to put on lipstick, but I never did. Always believing that my lips were too thick, I stayed away from lip products for a long time. But, all of a sudden, as Kylie Jenner's thick lips became a fashion statement, I started to become more confident in my own. After that, every time I walked into a party, I chose a different shade to wear. For a while, Kylie's "Leo", a deep burgundy, was my dearest companion. While I no longer wear the shade, it was a significant milestone for me in my transition from insecure to confident and finally comfortable in my own skin.
But then, my whole life changed for the second time. I moved halfway across the world and started college, which complicated my burgeoning sense of self. At my first college frat party, I wore an elegant white top and embellished jeans only to find students in cotton shorts and Northwestern merch. I wasn't used to casual dressing, and for the first month of college, it was a struggle to make my two worlds meet. Back home in New Delhi, you couldn’t just walk out of the house like that. You were expected to be put together at all times and dressed in tasteful clothes with neatly set hair. However, in college, people’s biggest fashion concerns were avoiding melting in the basement of a house party. But, regardless, I wasn’t going to compromise my style.
My cocoon fell and I finally metamorphosed into a beautiful butterfly. I recognize the dynamic nature of my identity and refuse to conform to fashion norms. You can see me around campus wearing layered necklaces with an elegant blouse and paperbag pants or in an oversized sweatshirt and leggings, making my two worlds meet. While I eventually began to adopt athleisure, I held on to my more elegant style too.
Every once in a while, my butterfly's wings change color. Sometimes they are a bright yellow, other times they have dull undertones. No matter what, I know now that my butterfly's wings are stronger than any insecurity. No blow to my confidence will threaten how I choose to express myself through fashion.