A Letter to my 15 Year Old Self

Don’t date him just because he plays the guitar. Toothpaste does not work to get rid of pimples. You are not cool for liking One Direction; you are extremely cool for liking One Direction. Avoid drinking coffee because you will develop an extreme caffeine addiction. Wear your retainers at night (I know you don’t like it but, trust me, it will be worth it). Keep reading books that make you happy. The PSAT will not make or break your future academic endeavors. It’s okay to have frizzy hair and be taller than most of your peers. Stop caring about Instagram so much. Give yourself a hug for me.

It’s Carly from the future (I know, what a meta experience), and I bet you’re wondering why I have decided to write to you. The truth is, I want these words to reach you because I know how alone you feel. High school is depressing. Looking back, I wish I could change the decisions you made and the thoughts you had. I know I must radically accept my past, but that still doesn’t mean I can’t give you advice. Here’s how your fifteenth year will play out:

On your 15th birthday, instead of hanging out with friends, you will have to go to a modeling photoshoot. The makeup artist, Sarah, will try her best to cover the depression under your eyes, and the photographer, Joe, will tell you that you need to lose weight. You will go home and attend three AP classes the next day. Your hair will begin to fall out, you will go on juice cleanses, you will be measured and poked and weighed and combed, you will try to make friends and succeed and fail, you will attempt to go to the gym everyday, and you will wonder when things will get better. 

Newsflash: things do get better once you start to see what you are doing to yourself. Over the past few years, I have grown to realize that I do not need to strive to take up less space. You do not need to lose weight to have value or apologize when you say how you feel or lower your voice in fear of being perceived as too strong. You are incredibly strong. You are the strongest person I know. Take up space. The way you feel is valid.Your opinions matter.  You matter. 

You will experience your first breakup this year, and you think it may kill you. He will break up with you the day before Valentine’s Day and you will cry on your childhood bedroom floor the entire night. Your friends will immediately notice your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks the next day at school. Your heart will ache each time you are reminded of him, and you will believe that no one will ever love you again. We all crave love and companionship. Now with a little more knowledge and wisdom, I can tell you that more relationships will come and go. You are capable of loving and being loved, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t worry; you’ll find your Romeo, Mr. Darcy, or Edward Cullen.

Loneliness is an inevitable part of being human — you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. You will continue to feel lonely, but I promise that you are important. I know at 15 you feel like you don’t have many friends and no one truly sees you. In college, you will continue to struggle with feeling the same way sometimes, and that’s okay. It’s normal to want human connection, and it’s normal to fear being alone. There are people out there that feel the same way you do, so you are never really alone. 

Please start wearing high heels more. I know you think you’re too tall to wear them, especially when every boy in your grade is shorter than you, but throw on a blazer and  a pair of your favorite heels and feel powerful. You are so powerful. Keep writing because regardless of what others may say, you will grow to find strength and resilience through your words. You will graduate high school, get into an incredible university, and feel truly happy for the first time in a long time. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of myself.

I hope to hear from you soon. If not, I’ll see you soon.

Warmly,

Carly

PS: Harry Styles will release two solo albums.

Donald Trump will not remain president. 

Stephanie Meyer will release a Twilight prequel (I know).

And you will be okay.